The Duchess of Hazard

It's a miracle Makena and I are still alive. I was driving down PCH the other day, headed to Chinatown to pick up some New Year decorations in preparation for the celebration, when I felt a slightly twitchy thing happening on my forehead. I was talking on the phone (multitasking) and I happened to glance up at my rear view mirror to see A SPIDER CRAWLING ALONG MY HAIRLINE. I practically swerved into oncoming traffic, narrowly missing those upright yellow road dividers! Summoning all my sang froid to keep calm, and realizing that I couldn't get over to the shoulder without side-swiping several cars, I dropped the phone and flicked it off. I sighed with relief then freaked out all over again because it went onto Makena! She, thank God, was asleep in her car seat so I didn't worry about her deciding to eat it, but then the critter disappeared again.

I was still going fifty with nowhere to stop, every expletive in the book was shooting out my mouth imagining the nasty bites my baby was enduring, and before I could pull the car over to the shoulder and to a complete stop, THE SPIDER WAS BACK ON MY HEAD! Either the flick-off force hadn't detached it from its silk thread, or the eight-legged crawler had decided that "mi cabeza" was going to be the location for "Charlotte's Web ll". I allowed myself to scream, grabbed my hair brush from my purse and brushed the hell out of my forehead. Yeah. I killed it. I was invincible. I was "Lara Croft, Tomb Raider" (give or take twenty pounds and a good facial). To celebrate, I proceeded to Hill street for some dim sum with my daughter.

So that was on a Monday, on Tuesday, I was doing whatever I was doing when Tiger started circling Makena and a certain waft began to permeate the air. My cue! I gathered up the baby and carried her to her room to change her...and I was stunned. Three years of changing diapers with Jack never prepared me for this. I'd hit the mother-load. We're talking -- my husband's worst nightmare! The kind that makes you second guess the benefits of fiber-rich diets. I had to strip her down and bathe her immediately (it had reached up into her arm pits). So fifteen minutes later, life was good, the baby was clean, but I still couldn't get the odor out of the air and Tiger was now circling me. Why? Because I was soaking in diaper juice! My T-shirt was stained, my arms were smeared, my hair was streaked! So I just moaned and headed for my second shower of the morning feeling like I was toxic waste.

If being a mother isn't hazardous to your health, I don't know what it. And here I thought the spider was bad!

Stinkabelle
PS Yes, I know the top image is blurry. It's just way too hard to find appropriate pictures for this kind of post!